Continued

To make a long story short, Myron was doing okay. He met a nice girl, Reba, who was into an organic lifestyle, and they started eating healthy food and doing yoga together. Myron changed quite a bit; I was truly surprised: he bought organic hemp clothes, drove a Toyota Prius, and drank only fair trade coffee. Only problem was, being an addict, Myron pushed things to the limit which, in this case, meant bizarre tantric sex with Reba.  Luckily, I never got the details aside from a text that said he was in the middle of a three hour orgasm. I got the message in the middle of a meeting and risked sidelong glances to write back and say, "good for you, asshole, but why are you telling me?" 

And, like the old joke, Myron replied, "because I'm telling everyone!" 

So I forgot all about Myron and his three hour orgasm... until the frantic phone call.

Myron said, "Frank, something's wrong. You need to get here and take me to the hospital." 

"Okay Myron. Tell me?" I said.

Myron proceeded to tell me about the three Viagara pills he popped before having tantric sex with Reba. Everything was great except that, after half an hour, Reba got bored and went out to do some shopping. And Myron was left in their beautiful townhouse with a developing case of ischemic priapism (a really serious condition from long-term erections that can result in permanent damage or even death). After a little bit of scary research online I called an ambulance and, 2.5 hours later, met Myron at Erie County Medical Center where he was undergoing what is called therapeutic aspiration. Don't worry: I won't explain what it is and how they insert a needle to drain blood and then flush it out with saline. And I won't tell you about the emergency shunt they had to use when the aspiration didn't work. Let it suffice to say that Myron got fixed up with no permanent damage. But I spent 3 days taking care of the poor bastard. To add to Myron's troubles, when we returned to the townhouse Reba was long gone. She had packed up almost everything in the condo and left only the briefest note. It read: "Myron I hope it fell off, you selfish asshole. Go fuck yourself with your 3-hour erection." 

Pretty crazy, but true. If I could make up shit like that, I'd probably be going places...

- Frank