Got my fat ass to the polls today. Since Ithaca is such a flamingly liberal place, I felt compelled to wear full John McCain regalia. I bought a John McCain baseball hat, John McCain t-shirt, and half-a-dozen John McCain campaign buttons. Before voting, I stopped off at Greenstar (the local organic grocery store). I parked next to a row of VW TDIs and Toyota Prius sedans plastered with bumper stickers saying stuff like, "I live the alternative," "Coexist," and "Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty." I grabbed a cart and made it as far as the organic apples (a steal at $1 each!) before I was accosted by the most serious woman to ever put on a suit of brown and black Flax sack cloth and a pair of Danskos. 

Lady: "Excuse me." 

   Frank:  "Yes? Did you want one of these apples? They look very delicious." 

Lady:  "No. I wanted to talk with you about your decision. Are you really informed about the differences between the candidates? Because if you were..." 

Frank:  "Why yes. At least I think I am. I watch Fox News every single night. And The Colbert Report. I like John Stewart, too." 

Stoney silence for 10 seconds. I notice a faint muscle tic in her shoulder. 

Frank:  "Actually, I'm undecided."

Lady:  "Undecided?"

Frank:  "Yes. Undecided. I don't know who I'm going to vote for."

By this time, a small crowd has gathered. A man with ebony discs in his earlobes and a macrame hat is pretending to pick through the apples. Some lady in a dust mask is standing within earshot, leaning on her carved walking stick. 

Lady:  "Why are you wearing all those... those clothes... if you haven't made up your mind?"

This is the moment. I pause dramatically, as though I'm deciding whether or not to tell the truth. I look a little embarrassed. 

Frank:  "Because they paid me to." 

The crowd stirs and draws closer. Macrame Hat is now in my personal space. He smells like garlic and cheese. 

Lady:  "Who paid you?"

She says this in a conspiratorial tone, like she's about to draw a great truth out of me. I stick out my chin in childlike defiance.  

Frank:  "The guy from the McCain headquarters."

I say it in the most matter of fact way. Like it's a simple fact. Like I'm proud of it. A gasp emerges from the crowd. They are shocked. They are horrified! Macrame Hat drops his apples. Cold hard liberal hate registers in the Flax Lady's eyes. Dust Mask huffs indignantly. And I... well, I take off across the street to the polls to place my vote for Obama.